lost friend

its going onto four years now that we've known each other. i wish that's something that we could celebrate but i definitely don't see it happening. You're my best friend and I'm one of yours also.. or was? It kills me inside that we can't talk because your girlfriend hates me. I read what you wrote in my yearbook three years ago.. 'we definitely need to party more and have 3 hours of listening to music non stop soon'. after reading that, i lost it. you know when you're going through a tough time and you need that best friend there, well I've had those times lately and I've always been able to talk to you about whats going on. you always gave me the best advice and came to give me a hug if i ever needed one... but not now not anymore and who knows if I'll ever have that again. all the good memories and i wish there could be more to make. yet when i say happy thanksgiving to you and you can't even reply back to that, makes me lose all hope and interest in.. being your friend i guess. just sucks that i have to put up with this when i don't deserve it, but, i love you a lot and your happiness means a lot to me. course I'll never tell you all this but whatever, i guess this is better than nothing.maybe I'll see ya this weekend. then again maybe not.

I wish you the best my friend.

stupid girl.

run. runaway. you cant solve your problems that way though, sorry to say. not really. you're just afraid of this world. and you should be, especially with the way you go about living it. not saying your way is wrong. oh wait. it is wrong. VERY wrong. you haven't hit your lowest point in life though i can tell you that. and until then you're going to keep making careless decisions and eventually pay for them. very tough way too might i add. pity you couldn't just be the good person you made everyone believe you were. you used to be but not anymore. your just like all the other backstabbing bitches that i've unfortunately been stupid enough to trust. although you did the worst. all of them you knew i liked but oh goodness that wasn't going to stop you from gettin that pleasure you oh so addictively desired. call me just as bad all the other backstabbers for believing 7 people that you did what you REALLY DID. which is so low and disgusting. sure we had good times but if it came down to it i'd rate you a two on the scale and boo you off the stage of my life performance. thats right. but you made it easy. delete me and block me off of facebook because that is totally going to change things. of course it will prevent you from seein what you screwed up and could've been a part of which is going to make you curious as shit, but your choice dude. sure i called a truce and said i was done, that didn't mean done completely conversing with you. but yeah. now i am done. because you know what. You, are the disgusting, slutty, backstabbing, shit talking, crapy friend who doesn't give two shits about anyone but yourself. thats right hoe cake. yourself. enjoy your life living so low and remember how good of a friend i was to you. knowing i didn't EVER deserve what you did will kill you inside and eat you alive maybe. hopefully. that way you'll know. DONT SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND BEHIND HER BACK YOU SNAKY SKANK!.

Good evening and good bye slut.

-the last i have to say. :)

Dasies sliding down a metal ladder.

Alright so all that stuff was pretty dark and depressing. It was from a long time ago, a time that i really would like to forget but maybe posting that will help. Not like it bothers me now but... i don't like remembering it all. ANYWAYS. There's a bunch of snow outside and I've been sitting here on my butt all morning and i really want to go play in the snow!!!!! Unfortunately nobody can drive really because the roads are awful haha but hopefully I'll get some play time in somewhere since i got the day off work!!! :} Happy Thanksgiving everyone and thank you to our troops overseas unable to be with their families over the holidays. We wish you were here with us especially my sister Meghann and brother James I miss you both SO MUCH!!!!!! I'll see you soon though and we'll all have a grand ol time :} Au revoir!

Old writings...

I'm not putting all of them in here because I don't like them. Fyi.

You feel it runnin down the back of your throat,
and you know this time it isn't a joke,
as he's laughin you ask him why times six.
Then you realize to him you're just a breakable stick,
baby you're just another piece in his game and when
he's finished with you he'll get fame with your name.

I wish we cou ld've been something,
had the time to give it a chance and
maybe even a beautiful romance
but now you irritate me me and
I wanna delete your number
I wanna take you out of my life
because you're always acting dumber
what a pity and a shame
I'm over this game.

..How could the one guy, the one guy I love so much...treat me the worst of all the x's?..

Our time together was so peachy in the sense we grew together,
inside and out, we were so sweet in the beginning,
yet after being weathered, shaken up, matured
and in ways neglected, we turned from sweet
to sour, full of life to everything disintegrating
and our peachy life together lost all hope,
warm fuzzies, and fell, crashing to the ground
harder than ever before.
We lay there, lifeless, helpless, to rot and die,
for our seeds to spread and grown a new leaf,
elsewhere.

You being how you are, is like I'm a foreigner that only speaks my language and knows nothing of your own.
Can you live in the same country or be from the same country and still have cultural differences?
Tell them, with that tone you use on me, who you caused everything impossible to be free and never we.
The whole time you were popping the screws in my bullet proof cage and now you've f****n broken me and left me to roam alone.
Then, you gave me chills inside nit now you're all just lies in my eyes. Neglection, rejection, infection.. you're just a f****n correction. I was your best arm candy when you were drunk on brandy ya see i feel so used and abused from you and now i don't know what the F*** to do i know what love can be and yours never satisfied me i wish i never met you better yet even let you.


This last one just cracks me up idk where it came from but whatever....lol

We do a two step double dutch we get that rep with a trouble punch we work that ass till they faceplant grass and smoke em out till the fuel runs out bitches!

Spontanious Adventure!!!

So.. before I beginning the allowance of you all to let your eyes devour some things i have written, i feel the need to talk about a place I love, a place that "I'll never grow up" at, a place that is so amazing, no other place compares. Haha agree or agree to disagree but its Portland. Its a long story of how i came to feel this way about Portland so hold onto your panties kids, its a roller coaster!!!

I'll try my best to condense the madness in the beginning, although it could make a pretty damn good reality show, i doubt the details would be something you want to know lol (and let me say now, if my typing ends up being horrible i apologize, i've recently become dislexic I swear) anyways. It's cold outside... probably in the 40's in dear Twin Falls, (not that i was standing outside or anything, i just like the detail haha). Friends they come and go and sadly i began to see one that became special to me take drift because of all the whirlwind of drama, the rumors, the talking, the everything. It was really upsetting, and i couldn't tell who to believe anymore. it seemed like everyone that i had been around and grew close to for the past months were slowly turning their back. i couldn't figure out how to fix it my mind was in a blank state constantly repeating 'i don't know i don't know i don't know'. I mustered up the guts and took the situation into my own hands, maturely, compared to how things were going with everyone else 'involved'. Haha, dearest best friend 'pushing people and shattering glasses". I'm not sure about that but obviously the situation was so bad i could have been doing that myself. I really wanted to i was so frustrated with everything and everyone. Although i pulled myself together and got to the bottom of the domino falling tall tale. Realizing how people really were around me and how...... slanderous, selfish and unholy they all instantly appeared i felt no desire to be connected with them. Yet, hello, we all reside in the same shit hole so how else to get away from them other than crawling into my hermit clam? Ahh yes, one mistake leading to another is what. My work closed for a whole week allowing me time to do whatever i wanted and under the impression that i had all this time, i might as well do something, something big with it. After breaking the news to a best friend of mine and rallying about how we both had all this free time, she admitted that she was going to take off to Portland for the weekend, seeing as how she plans to move there. So what do I do? Pack up my stuff and two days later after scrambling for a reliable car and basically haggling the owner into allowing us, took off two days later to Portland. Completely unplanned, unaware of what we were going to do when we got there other than see our siblings who luckily have already escaped to a paradise. The drive was gruesomely unpleasant? Haha not a bad drive actually, clear roads followed by hideous scenery.. everything is dead. Thats Idaho for you.. well southern Idaho anyways haha. We stopped in Pendleton (otherwise known to me as Beetlejuice's village) and stayed at the Travel Lodge... across the street from a mortuary... Ironically named Burn's Mortuary with a neon sign outside like it was a club or some sort. We continued on this spontanious adventure and eventually arrived in Portland. Unknowingly, we changed while we were there. Obviously everyone has now seen how from the outside and i've tried to explain that inside changed too but nobody really sees it.. time will tell i suppose. But Portland was just... the only place i truly felt myself, free to have self expression and not have anyone look at me like i was some circus clown. So i jumped and flew with it and enjoyed every damn minute of it. It was nice to be myself and have others around me be themselves too with no judgement. Thats one of the treasures of Portland. Not to mention how beautiful it is there too! So throughout all the escapades and dares of lets do this and lets do that, i happily let all of that turmoil and bs at home go and decided there's no need for any of that or really any of those people! So there was the loss of those friendships but if i began to even describe how they were, i think you all would agree I'm better off without. Nothing against any of them, just clearly we all don't mesh as one happy family. So upon my arrival back home, it looked different, felt different. not the feeling of "oh home sweet home!" more like, it looks like i'm driving into one boring ass terrible town. I actually was thinking in my head, twin falls is the cow pie of all shit stain towns in southern Idaho. Harsh but believably true. Anywho, Portland is amazing and so was the adventure we took. There's so much more that I could tell about this trip but you'll just have to ask questions, there's too many details. Now that I got that out, I'll post some old stuff I wrote.. forewarning you all, its the darker side of me speaking. Enjoy.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I feel like crying, like dying. That's what my heart is saying. Everything is so messed up right now i can't express completely in words in one sentence. I can't stop rubbing my face because everything is so HAYWIRE. I'm madly and completely in love with a guy and I have been ever since our first fling. Everything was great until shit hit the fan and i did the bitch move by leaving him for a total shmuck to make him jealous. Once that deal was over we talked again but my idiotic self left him first love for the rebound because of the feelings i felt. we dated and the whole time i had no idea that my love wanted what i did and the only thing keeping us from that mas my brain washed mind thinking i was in love with a shmuck!!! after going back and forth for what has seemed like forever now i finally ditched the shmuck and began talking to the lover again. Learning all that I did through my romantic turmoil I felt like i had finally pulled my head out of my ass. There were occasional hookups in between the whole bouncing back and forth but nothing as hideous as this is. Being so crazy for my love I can't stand fooling around with other men. Once I like someone I feel the need to be devoted and committed, even if they aren't mine. Ugh. Why do I have to feel this way!?! I talk to other guys and flirt with them because going that far, considering I'm still a single woman, seems like no harm. Except when your best friend tells you that her roomate that she has a crush on, like you. Yes. My best friends roomate likes me. After I already spilled the long story about my love to him and everything that has been going on. Why she told me that I have NO idea but I almost feel mad at her. I don't want to know it I don't I don't I don't!!!!!! Not only that but earlier today when texting a co worker that I flirt with, he was saying all this mumbo jumbo about how he needed a hug and wanted to hold me and how the lyrics from Just a Dream by Nelly made him think of me. Not all of the lyrics just the part about running his fingers through the girls hair. Honestly though, what the hell do I do about all this!?! Ballics. I was so content with how things were going earlier until the last couple hours rolled around. I don't want to sound egotistical or brag but I've had many, and I mean Many, people tell me pretty I am and how I'm one of the most beautiful people that they have ever seen. I have had a lot of guys all over me and some silently crushing because they feel intimidated by me because of my looks. They think I'm way out of their league and sometimes, fairly lately, I've just wanted to make myself hideous looking so men will leave me alone and not say those things to me. I even hear it from women too! My friend's roomate told me to leave (jokingly) because her guy friend was coming over and she didn't want him to see me because I'm prettier than her. Compliments are nice don't get me wrong, but shit getting so many and having a love triangle bring your best friend down because of the way you look really sucks!!! I feel awful like, Hey, quit doing your hair and makeup, make yourself look like shit so others will get a chance and you'll have some sanity. God that sounds so fucked up. Again I don't want to sound full of myself. But again, the love of my life has got me so confused about whats going on with him and I that I'm tempted to say Forget It!!! I'm done! and just move on. Yet I can't just leave these feelings rotting at the bottom of my heart. Not rotting, more like jabbing, throbbing, aching and pestering!!!! I feel like I should just pack up a suit case, and slip away with no one knowing but a few and live a new life. Get away from the turmoil here, the crappy feelings, the irritation, the sucky love that seems like a lake of quicksand. My best friend is ranting to me about how she's tired of being let down and hurt and played with and how she's not going to put herself out there anymore. She's being so selfish! I didn't mean for any of this to happen and I know I should've known better. I should've kept a distance. Let him fall for her instead. She doesn't understand why guys don't like her and I don't understand either! I don't know the answer to your questions!!!!! I'm not some sort of God or Godess!!! Not Athena or any master of love!!!! The more and more she gives a shit less the more I feel like shit because this is all my fault. uhg rubbing my face away trying to replicate some sort of clawing my brains out. only helps for a second like i cigarette high. Good grief! I HATE this. quit feeling like crap about yourself!!! It not all about you its reflecting on me too I feel like I should walk around with a paper bag on my head now! or wear my hair in my face like cousin It. For gods sake. Spare me from all of this!I know you love me bff but this over dramatic crap I can't handle its not my thing!!! You do it all the time but not me I suck it up and move on!

I need a punching bag.

or flour bags hanging so i can slice them all open like Electra. God that sounds amazing right now. That and yelling at the top of my lungs while blasting Suicide Silence. Sounds like one messed up heaven but right now it sounds like paradise for my insanity.

how i feel i just want to be a sobbing mess. Get the last of all that built up emotion out but my body won't let me. God I guess I think I've vented it all out. I feel much better now after pounding away on the keys of this keyboard and having reassurance from my best friend. All I wish for is that my love, yes my love, will just talk to me. We had a plan to talk and it failed because of his neglect of his phone. I haven't heard from him today either and am not entirely sure what to think. He says he likes me and wants to date me yet is playing mind games and seems like keeping me around to show off to other guys on the weekends. I know, I read in cosmo today that one thing that a guy likes to do is take his girl out and let all the guys talk and oogle over her because he knows that by the end of the night ( or whenever he wants it to end) he's the one taking the girl to his room. Is that what this man is like?! shows me off to others and then snatches me up when he's ready for his time with me? That's the closest I've gotten to cracking this egg so far. They say he's scared. Which i can understand since I've basically left him twice for that stupid shmuck but for heavens sake I'm not going to leave this time! I never knew how he felt and having to see him with a trashy girl all over him making hickeys on his neck is what it took for me to know!!! Is that fair or not fair to me? I feel like the girl in the film the Holiday, you know Cameron Diaz's character, how she can't cry and tries her hardest but nothing will come out? yeah that'sthat's the only way that anything will happen with that man. Just showing up at his door and blurting out, I really like you and I don't want to be afraid that I'll leave again for that stupid shmuck. He did me wrong, so wrong that I can't stand the man anymore. Not even for a minute can I stand him! But you my love, I can, I always have and I want it to stay that way. You've meant so much to me and I never realized it until a month ago. I wanted to say something then but couldn't build up the guts to say anything, I'd rather sit back and see where things went and although nothing bad has happened since that night, nothing is moving forward either. Whether we have something or not I'd just like to know what you want from me so I'm not tearing up my mind and heart trying to figure out what to do, how to do it, when to do it, where to do it and eventually why I'm doing it. Just tell me, why am I doing all this?! Is everything going to end up like a fairy tale? I'll pour my heart out to him and he'll take my face in his hands and give me that magical kiss that gives me butterflies and chills all over? Will I be swept off my feet, or will I be let down by an 'I like you but I want to be single right now"? I can't even fathom the though of hearing him say those words. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I think I'd turn and run the other direction, sobbing the whole way home to a depressing dark room where I'll eat chocolate and feel miserable for what'll seem like forever. Talk about a love story. I should just write a book already. But just thinking about his face just uhgg makes my heart and body melt and i wanna cry just thinking about how much i want him. I want him SO BADLY!!!!! I suppose all I can do now is sleep it off. Sleep it off girl and start fresh in the morning. Hot shower, cup of coffee, and texts to my friends saying good morning! A text to my love saying hello. maybe with a smiley face so he knows I'm still here. because I am. I am still here. I think that will do. Just about ten more minutes to stare at his lovely face in the photo next to mine. I love that photo. I love him. and I hate this torture.

Good night, from Paris with love.

♥

Real

Reality. What is reality really? Everything I type on here isn't reality because by the time I'm done typing it, it's in the past. 5 seconds in the past.... 10 seconds, 20 seconds, and so on. Listening to a lecture today in my history class my professor said that his shadow isn't reality, he is the reality. So I thought, okay, a person's shadow isn't reality, so is the deep mysterious look their eyes reality? Whats the relationship between a shadow and the deep emotion in people's eyes. Read that slowly. What about the shadow of a starving child in africa and the look in his dark brown eyes? Can anyone see a relationship between the two, or can you not? It's a thought that's hard to wrap your mind around. Contemplate it..........look at a photo even. Just to help this idea, I'll post a photo I found, but remember this is about reality and the relationship between eye's emotions and shadows. After looking at the photo for a while, I collected that the relationship between a shadow and the child's eyes is unfortunate. A shadow, particularly the little boys is dark and distorted of the human form like all shadows, but his is exceptionally distorted. Although you cannot see his shadow, look at yours. Look at your physical form and how your shadow portrays it. Of course the shadow is taller, skinnier, shorter, or fatter than you, but you probably look normal. Now imagine what the little boy's looks like. His limbs much skinnier than ours, and his shadow portrays that even skinnier, they literally would look like a skinny tree branch, just a line trailing behind him. His inflamed belly probably is the normal width of mine on his shadow also. So a large bellied, twig like shadow would be disturbing. Yet how does the emotion in a starving child's eyes relate to his shadow? I think the answer is all on a matter of opinion. People may describe it as dark, mysterious, unclear, saddening, mind boggling, etc. but the relationship is hard to tell in my opinion. Of course the shape is different, but my ultimate question is, if there is a valid relationship between a starving child's eyes and its shadow, with the shadow not being the reality and the eyes are, how do they tell the same story? His shadow of the past and his eyes of the present? I suppose so since his starvation began long before we have seen his eyes, leaving the result of his eyes creating the relationship once they joined the shadow in the starvation. That, could possibly be the reality of the relationship. Although, can they even tell the same story? I think so, the story of his reality, whether one is or isn't, past or present, shadows and eyes can speak together of the same thing. Most people can tell what a person is thinking or what mood they're in by their facial expression, but in the photo, cover the boy's face all but his eyes, can you still see the emotion and connection? I'll leave it at that.